LOST

I started jogging recently.

I should say that I started jogging “again.”  Years ago I ran but I had to stop because I started having seizures when I ran.  I guess I forgot that because when I started to run this time I started to have seizures again.

There are so many things in my life that I have given up because of seizures.  Things from my life that I once enjoyed or used that are no longer a part of my life.  Things that I avoid because they are now and forever associated with a seizure.

I am a big fan of “The Simpsons” and “Futurama.”  I had a particularly bad seizure while watching an episode of Futurama.  There was a musical number during that episode.  I have heard the song several times since then.  It totally triggers a memory of that seizure.  I know it’s a small thing but that song triggers a very strong memory in me.  I hate it.

I used to wear CK1 cologne.  I had several seizures while wearing it.  I get near any person wearing it (or anything that reminds me of it) and I get physically ill.  It’s probably my worst one.  I get physically ill when I smell CK1.

There are several people in my life that remind me of seizures.  I don’t like to hear their voice or even really see them.  I don’t want to say who they are in case they read this – but they make me very uncomfortable.  They remind me of episodes.  I mean…I have lost friends.

How many things do we avoid in our lives?  How many things do we lose?  How many things are just gone?  We wake up and something has been taken away from us?

The strange thing is that we don’t spend a lot of time thinking about these things.  They are simply no longer there.  They are gone from our mind because we don’t want to think about them.  They are like holes in our memory because they are associated with this horrible thing that we don’t like to think about.  So we forget that seizures have, in fact, stolen these things from us; things that we once enjoyed and even cherished.

Until we bump into them again we forget these things even exist.  And then we run away from them.  We see them and think, “Oh yeah.  I used to like you.  Now go away.”  These things become an ex-lover that we had a horrible falling out with.

It’s sad, really.  But that can be said about so many things associated with falling down.