Category: Falling Down Funny BookMark HawkinsSeizuresUncategorized Comments: 3 comments

Every once in a while there is a moment when you think you “might” be having a seizure. But you are not.

I am not talking about the beginning of the seizure.  I am referring to that quick flash of panic that everyone has when you suddenly remember something:  You forgot to turn the oven off. You forgot to call your mother. It’s your wedding anniversary and you forgot to buy your wife a present.

There is a physical reaction where your body feels horrible all of a sudden.

For me, and many people have told me that they experience the same thing, the beginning of a seizure feels a lot like that sometimes. The difference, of course, is that there is no actual “memory” to go with it.  With a seizure, it is irrational.  It is, after all, a seizure and not a natural part of your normal day.

But my body, after years of experience with seizures starts to panic. “Shit!  This is a seizure!”  I then spend quite a bit of time working myself into a frenzy worried about the oncoming seizure that is, in fact, not coming.

This is just a situation, as I have said, where I have forgotten something.  I tell myself not to worry.  But then I tell myself that maybe ALL seizures start this way and maybe I “worry” myself INTO a seizure. I don’t know.  I don’t remember, now, do I?  I get more worked up.  I panic some more.

I calm down.  I remember that the episodes OFTEN come and go.

It comes back. These episodes often last ten, fifteen – twenty minutes.  Sometimes I am right there in front of people doing my best to act normal.  I really hate these moments.

Sure – seizures are worse.  But this is just another thing that people without seizures don’t have to contend with.  They can  “remember” something and move on with their lives.  “Oh, I need to stop at the store.  La de da.”

Us?  We remember and then freak out because that tiny moment – inconsequential in everyone else’s lives – brings on a horrible “sense memory” of an attack for us.  A seizure that ended with us covered in blood and whatever else and lying on the floor.

Even the most mundane of human experiences can suck when you spend your life falling down.


3 comments to FALSE ALARM

  • Leslie Dinauer  says:

    I believe that’s called a panic attack, and I also believe they run in the family. 🙁

  • Elena  says:

    this is really well written and I can relate to this 100%. You hit the nail on the head. I hate those moments in between when your not sure if it’s actually you or a seizure being all funny. Then trying to act all normal in front of ppl but who really knows if you do look normal anyways? And then the damn seizure might not even totally come! lol
    I don’t think any of these situations are ‘panic attacks’ it’s just a legit human reaction to knowing what is soon to come- brain damage!
    I like what you wrote about running/jogging. The same thing happened to me, you analyzed it great.
    Keep writing!

    • Mark Hawkins  says:

      you are very kind – thank you, elena…i am often filled with doubt about this blog – it sometimes feels like i am writing to no one…i sincerely appreciate your comments and am sorry that you can appreciate them, if you know what i mean…


      p.s. the “panic attack” comment was made by my sister and i am pretty sure she was being funny (although it IS possible that she didn’t get it)…again – i appreciate your support…

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